skipped bu xi ban again.. too tired and lazy to go since is do some crap props.. ytd 4am plus den sleep. chiong couple points with my baobei. i feeling quite zzz now cause parents keep nag me to wake up go bu xi ban.. den i say dun go my mother jiu keep nag like hell.. say i irresponsible bla bla bla.. kns la i irresponsible but they never even cared bout wad i'm going through man..

fuck it.. i really dun wish to be tied up in this stupid "religion" already.. i've teared enuf suffered enuf wasted too much time.. but one thing for sure is if i wan to free myself.. i'll have to put up a tough fight. verbal fight, mental fight and MAYBE and least likely.. physical fight. i dunno if i'm prepared for all these but if i can confirm that you and i can be together, i will be more confident in these fights.

Ai shang ni, shen me dou zhi de qu zhuo.. now i'm sort of unsure.. unsure bout if we can be together because she dun seem to be prepared to be my rl girlfriend. i noe its tough for her cause i've got many flaws?

ytd while chionging couple point i mentioned bout chatting over the phone. but she kept saying no/dowan and such.. it made my heart sank like titanic. she said she will be jing zhang but i also will jing zhang ma.. i also dun really call up girls de lor but why did i take the initiative..? have she ever think why i kept on like.. taking initiatives till i look like a despo guy? because i dowan to be like the old me.. the one who is always hiding up my feelings and pretending to be ok. i'm trying to change.. i admit that sometimes i still hide my feelings but most of the time i would tell her wad i'm feeling. when i sad.. or hurt(emo/elmo) but i dunno.. sometimes she tot i was joking or wad but actually thats my true feeling.

i've learnt my lesson for hiding and pretending from previous relationship and so now i'm going for a change. i also told her to not hide her feelings/troubles with me because i dowan her to follow my footsteps. sometimes she's really very loving and sometimes i feel so unloved.. maybe cause she always thought i am a happy-go-lucky guy and wont ji jiao if she didn't love me. but i care.. i love her and i wish to be loved always by her too.. i'm jealous when i see the female partners of other couples being so loving always while for my case most of the time i am the one showing/giving her love. is it because she xi guan i so nice to her liao that she took my love for granted?

i remembered asking her whether she wan go to watch movie with me someday during her holiday and she replied WAN.. i was so happy when i saw that.. but now it kinda make me feel more sad when she dun even wan to talk over the phone.. she scared run out of topic den will paiseh.. run out topic den at most silent a while here and there lor.. i'll try not to remain silent too long la. i'm really sad.. even call also got problem liao den how to go out??? wo zhen de hen sad..

screw it man.. 12pm going out to fou tang again.. stupid "religion".. really eat lots of my time.. i always imagine if those time i use to do other things which can make me happy or at least not so bored.. damn la.. i got so much thing to pour but i guess i shall pour till here first la.

when will we finally talk over the phone..?