The End

updated new blogskin and some detail.. nice? =) once again i'm here.. to blog.
it ended so suddenly, unexpectedly.. still remember that day went to meet her with a happy mood =/ she brought a white pen and that letter.. then she drew on my hand.. chatted a bit bout school again.. still remember the joke she shared bout the special family with weird fingers haha.. all seemed so normal..... =( got home opened and read the letters.. shocked, sad and heartbroken.. i didn't see it coming... thinking back.. she did seem a little weird that day.. the way we parted. i dowan it to end! argh.. so i quickly messaged her but there was not even a single reply till the next day in the afternoon. i know she must be so heartbroken.. that she didn't reply any of the messages i sent that night. i'm sorry roxanne. i did not give u unconditional love.. i'm selfish, only cared bout myself and not bout you.. haiz.. all "thanks" to my confession of my feelings : "Our distance getting further and further dun you think?... I feel very insecure..." i dunno why.. my fingers just typed out those feelings i had been hiding.. maybe cause really cant hide anymore ba.. i've always been a pretender, pretending to be okay when she didn't have time to spend with me. in actual fact i'm very sad, lonely, bored, jealous. I know its all part of my problem because i should have kept myself busy so i wont feel bored. But i cant help but feel jealous and sad and lonely whenever i see couples together so close and my cousin always tell me bout him and his girlfriend.. sometimes tears will just flow when i try to sleep at night. Always i find it hard to interact with her be it on phone or face to face. rarely will we be chatting happily. most of the time its plain silence and i feel very lousy so i always chase her off to bed, hang the phone, or go home in order to end the silences. i'm afraid that if i do not do so i'll make her more and more bored, and start to dislike me and eventually dowan me. i guess i'm wrong.. i'm just running away from the problem and thus not improving everytime. her friendster photos doesn't even have the picture taken with me.. couples mostly will post photos of them together whereas i guess she is different ba. i am just jealous. haha good that ended la it will never be good to be with a guy who gets jealous so easily. screw me.. thats why i feel like i'm neglected and that others are more important than me and that i'm un-important to her, ppl should not know bout us. thats just how i feel but i guess i'm wrong ba. she just has many friends to care and love and maybe cause she forgot to upload or i'm too average looking that she dowan other ppl to see. i dunno why la.. its over.. good thing afterall i guess for both of us. thanks to aunty jasmine(her mum) i've realised many many bad points bout myself which i need to change/improve. i will try to change for the better i promise but i know its not going to be easy especially i'm not like a normal tom dick or harry. i'm one of the odd one out among the crowd. aunty jasmine called just now when i was at hougang drift meet. she called to ask how was i coping and whether i still cried. told her was coping okay and i never cried. okay means not very good la i still miss the times we had together and still have watery eyes. but i'm glad aunty jasmine called. i really thank her for consoling me and caring for me.. my mother also nvr like that lor =x haiz i know she also must be coping okay only and she still cries. its has got nothing to do with her and yet she had to suffer all these pain.. i feel real bad about it. roxanne is a special girl and i really appreciate all the things she had done for me, loving me for who i am. I am just not destined to be with such a nice girl afterall huh? a better man is suitable for her. definitely not me.. even if i manage to change i wouldn't want to patch up with her again. i wont have the courage after falling twice. i dun even know if i have the courage to love another girl next time if i change to a better person. i fell hard and i have phobia falling in love again. maybe its really my first yet last bgr =| first love is the most memorable one i heard and i know it must be. TT hope she will keep the sweetest memories we had, the music videos, going to the movies, arcade, holding hands, being my audition wife =) every movie is nice so long i'm watching it with her. remembered how i fed her popcorn TT thats the first time i had enough courage to do it and to hold her lovely hands. TT i believe she will definitely find someone worthy of becoming her soul partner next time de. she was the only closest female friend i had and it was enough. but now i couldn't find my courage to confide in her anymore... maybe i need more time.. i am so used to messaging her and receiving her messages that i find it very hard to adapt now. i really wish we could still message like before but i noe its impossible and i will be a nuisance. who am i to message her like that? i'm no longer her boyfriend now.. roxanne, if you're reading this sorry if i type anything which offended you. especially the part where i said i feel neglected. its all just wad i think i know they aren't true. the 'online' me is better at communicating with you thus making u fall for me but the actual me is such a disappointment. sorry once again.. hmm wish to keep myself occupied by picking up new hobbies but i just dunno got wad hobbies i can pick up. search youtube videos and surfed the net but i couldn't find any which i like. went to check out community centres' courses which aunty jasmine recommended but also i dun have interest in any of them. maybe i will just browse again and take up one of the courses ba. anyway tests are getting nearer and i have yet to start revising. i think revision can keep me occupied for the time being and after exams is holiday.. i've decided to find a job so i can both earn more pocket money for myself and also keep myself occupied. hope can find ba. wait for my good/bad news =)
introvert and pessimistic = me
i will try to change de..
i miss her a lot i swear.. argh..!!!
my love for you is blind.. i still love you.. you should not love me. i know its hard but just keep thinking of my bad points i think they'll help =| i dunno.. i dunno.. i dunno..